


Home

by Shaikru



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/F, HSAU, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Minor Character Death Mentioned, OC, Original Character - Freeform, Slow Burn, clarke has a lil brother now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-07-18 19:56:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7328344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shaikru/pseuds/Shaikru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa just left out of nowhere years ago and just now is coming home. Clarke is dealing with the death of her father when Lexa comes home for the first time in three years. Lots of angst and Clarke's clearly in love with Lexa but she stubborn and mad. Lexa is a sad puppy and just wants Clarke to talk to her again. Kind of a slow burn but I can't keep these love birds apart long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Clarke’s life was planned out for so many years of her life. That is until her dad died the summer before her senior year. After he passed away, there wasn’t anyone making the schedule, no one to run along side her before the sun came out, to hold the bar as she lifted weights. Her mom didn’t push her to stick to the schedule, didn’t yell at her when she quit tennis and track, didn’t question her when she started taking more hours at the hospital for her internship. They both understood what it meant, and there wasn’t going to a change in mind. 

Abby had ended up taking less hours, so she could be home more with Clarke’s 8 year old brother, Mikey. He had taken the loss of their father exceptionally hard, and it was completely understandable. Mikey was in the car with their dad when some idiot ran a red light and hit the driver side. Jake had been killed instantly, and Mikey made it out with only a few scrapes. A few scrapes and endless nightmares for the past few months. 

And it was now two in the morning the Saturday before Clarke started her senior year and was woken up by Mikey screaming in the room down the hall from her. Clarke jumped up and ran to Mikey’s side, pulling him out of bed like she did every night. He hadn’t woken up yet, and Clarke took him to the bathroom and sat with him in the shower as lukewarm water fell over them. Mikey stopped shaking and squirming and finally woke up in tears. Clarke kept her eyes tight shut, keeping her own tears back. She knew she couldn’t fall apart. Mikey needed her and she had to keep it together. Mikey turned around and wrapped himself around his older sister and cried into her shoulder. 

Clarke stood up and wrapped a towel around Mikey and then one around herself and her now soaked night clothes. Clarke heard the door open and Abby stepped in with warm, dry clothes for Mikey. “Go change, I’ve got him.” Abby said, taking her crying son in her arms. Clarke nodded and went to change out of her wet clothes and into dry ones. Once changed she walked downstairs to her moms room and saw Mikey cuddled up into Abby. Abby looked over at Clarke with tired eyes, and Clarke knew her mom probably had her own nightmares that night as well. Clarke sighed and went and laid on the bed, Mikey nestled in-between his mom and his older sister. 

“When do you think the nightmares will stop?” Clarke asked, stroking the top of her brothers head while looking over at her mom. 

“I don’t know.” Abby whispers softly, looking down at her son with sad eyes. “They should have stopped by now.” 

“We will take him to therapy more then.” Clarke stated, already working out how to get him there, and getting to work on time. “I’ll call tomorrow and set up appointments everyday.” Clarke looked down at Mikey. “We will figure this out.” 

They all fell back asleep, and weren’t woken again until Abby’s alarm went off for her to get to work. Mikey barely stirred awake, which Clarke was glad for. The boy barely gets enough sleep, Clarke thought to herself. 

Abby is up and in the bathroom getting ready, so Clarke goes into the kitchen to whip her mom up something quick to eat. Normally her dad would be doing this, making a big breakfast for everyone before joining her on her morning run. Now it was Clarke’s job, and Mikey would ride his bike with her once he’d woken up when she went running. 

Clarke had just finished making bacon and eggs when she heard the light, lazy footsteps of her brother enter the kitchen. “Good morning twerp.” Clarke said, a small smile on her face. 

“Good morning.” He mumbled through a yawn. “What’s cookin’?” he asked, stepping on his tiptoes to see what was on the plates on the counter behind Clarke. 

“Eggs and bacon, the toast is already buttered and on the table. Get you and mom a plate please.” Clarke finished putting the large batch of eggs onto a plate and put the food on the table as Mikey come up with plates and silverware for them to eat. Abby walked into the kitchen, and Clarke handed Abby her morning coffee. Abby smile gratefully at her daughter. 

“Thank you, sweetie.” Abby kissed her daughters temple before sitting down and putting food on her plate, whereas Mikey was already downing his breakfast. Clarke sat down and put some eggs and a strip of bacon on her plate and looked over at Mikey.

“So you ready for the bike ride this morning? Where did you wanna go?” She asked him, as he sipped on his orange juice. 

“Can we go to the park? Dad always took me there on Saturday mornings before your tournaments.” Mikey muttered, his eyes getting a little sad. 

“Of course twerp. Thats about 8 miles, you up for that?” Knowing she’d probably have him on the handle bars on the way back cause he’ll be too tired.

“You betcha!” He said scarfing down the rest of his food before going up to change. 

“I can call out. If you want me to.” Abby looked over at Clarke, worry in her expression. 

“I’ve got this mom. Go to work, you need to. Your patients need you. We will stop by around lunch to go get food with you.” Clarke said before taking a few bites of her food and going up to change. “I’ll clean up before we leave.” She called over her shoulder before walking out of the kitchen. 

Clarke went up to her room on the second floor and changed into knee length leggings, a tank top with a sports bra, and her running shoes. Clarke left her room, as she was putting up her hair and went and knocked on Mikey’s door, her mom had already yelled up her goodbyes as she was changing. 

“Come in.” She heard him call and she pushed the door open. Clarke saw him sitting on his bed, not changed into his clothes for the park. 

“Hey buddy.” Clarke went and sat next to him, and put an arm around her shoulder. “You okay?” She asked and he shook his head, as a tear fell down. Clarke pulled him tighter against her and kissed the top of his head. “Whats going on in your head, little man?” 

“I miss him.” Mikey barely got out before curling up into a ball into Clarke’s side. Clarke closed her eyes, hardening herself so she could be strong for Mikey. *I can’t cry, not with him already falling apart*, Clarke thought to herself. 

“I know. I miss him too.” Clarke rubbed his back and held in closer. “But you know, what?” Mikey lifted his head and blue eyes met blue. 

“What?” He asked, wiping his tears way on his sleeve. 

“You’ll always have me and Mumma. No matter what. And dad will always be with you in our memories. So it helps to go do things you used to do with him, as a way to keep him in your life but still learning to live without him.” Clarke said wiping away another tear that fell from his eyes. “You’ll be okay again, I promise.” Mikey looked in Clarke’s eyes, trying to find any hint of a lie in her words. When he didn’t, he nodded and got up and grabbed his clothes or the park. 

“Well then, lets go to the park.” He said, before going off to the bathroom to change and brush his teeth. Clarke took a moment to breathe after he left the room. But she wouldn’t let herself cry, she wouldn’t let herself break down. She didn’t know if she’d ever get herself back together if she gave herself a chance to fall apart a little. She knew she couldn’t afford to fall apart, Mikey and Abby needed her to be strong. So that’s what she has been and will continue to be; strong.

The morning went by slowly, Clarke did her run slower than normal because Mikey was riding his bike slower. When they got to the park she pushed him on the swing for an hour and watched as he played with a few other kids. Clarke never talked to the parents, they always looked at her with this sad look like she might break any second. She couldn’t stand it. 

After an a few hours at the park, Clarke hopped on the bike, Mikey on the handle bars and they road back to the house and hopped in the car to go to the hospital around 11:30 in the morning. They parked outside, and walked in to their mothers office. They ate lunch quietly and Mikey ended up wanting to stay their with Abby until his therapy appointment at three. Neither Clarke or Abby argued with him, knowing the nurses loved hanging out with the little twerp. Clarke left and headed back home, only to find Raven and Octavia waiting on her front porch. 

“Hey you.” Octavia greeted her before pulling her in for a hug. Raven came up and hugged her next. “Whats the plan for the day?” she asked, but Clarke already knew what they wanted to do. Their bathing suits were popping out from collar of their shirts. 

“We can swim in the lake.” Clarke said, smiling as they jumped and ran into the house and out the back door to the lake that Clarke’s neighborhood wrapped around. Clarke quickly ran up to change and joined them on the dock in her back yard, but quickly came to a halt when she looked across the lake at the Wood’s house. 

“What the hell?” Raven muttered, looking over at Clarke. “Did you know she was coming back?” Clarke shook her head, scanning the neighbors back yard for any sign of the girl.

“I didn’t even know if she was alive.” Clarke whispered her replied, Octavia quickly coming to her side.

“Well fuck her, dude. She bolted and left you without even saying goodbye.” Octavia spat out and looked over at Clarke. “Come on Griffin, we can go somewhere else.” but Clarke shook her head.

“No, it’s okay. It’s the last day we can swim in the lake before senior year. I’m fine.” Clarke muttered with a small smile. With than Raven came behind her and pushed her into the water by surprise. When Clarke recovered and reached the surface she grabbed the laughing Latina girl by her ankle and pulled her in. Octavia jumped in quickly after, not wanting to be dragged in. The girls laughed and splashed each other, messing around before finally climbing back on the dock to lay out in the sun. 

After a while Octavia turned and looked at Clarke. “Do you think she’ll come to the block party?” Raven flipped onto her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows. 

“If she does do I have permission to beat the shit out of her?” Raven asked, no hint of a joke in her voice. Clarke shook her head and didn’t open her eyes.

“It doesn’t matter if she goes or not. I probably won’t.” Clarke mumbled, knowing this would probably piss off her friends.

“Oh hell to the no.” Octavia said, sitting up and looking down at Clarke, and Clarke opened her mouth to explain why but Octavia cut her off. “Nope, I don’t want to hear any excuse as to why, Griffin. You are coming to the party, and I will go in there and tell your mom to make you. You need a night of fun, your life is one depressing hole. I get your dad died, Clarke. We know it has been really hard for you, but you need to stop taking care of everyone else and start taking care of yourself too. This is your senior year, honestly this is you last chance to act like a stupid kid.” Octavia ranted at her, and Clarke knew she was right. She had been so busy taking care of her mom and Mikey, she hadn’t even had time to take care of herself. 

“Fine. I’ll go.” Clarke mumbled turning on her stomach and propping herself up on her elbows and looked over across the lake to the Wood’s house. *Is it bad that part of me wants her to come*, Clarke asked herself. 

“Good, cause the party starts at seven so we need to start getting ready and I’m borrowing your red dress.” Raven said, popping up and running back up to the house. Clarke and Octavia laugh but follow behind her. Clarke pauses and looks back to the house across the lake. Her heart stopping when she sees the brunette girl come out of the guest house. Clarke quickly turns back to her house and catches up to her friends, pushing the thoughts of the brunette far from her mind. 

They all took turns showering, watching Sailor Moon as they waited for the shower, and as they did their make up and hair. Abby and Mikey came home, and Abby made a quick dinner for everyone. Abby didn’t question why the girls were getting all dolled up, she knew all about the block parties before senior year. She was glad to see Clarke going out and acting her age for once. Eight o’clock was fast approaching and Clarke went to her mom who had just put Mikey down to sleep for the night. 

“If he gets a nightmare and I’m not home…” Clarke started but her mom cut her off. 

“I’ll handle it, Clarke. Go have fun.” Abby said, a small smile on her face. “As much as I shouldn’t be letting you go to this party, I know you need to have fun. So I’m trusting you. Do not drink and drive, if you need me to come get you please call. Absolutely no drugs, and don’t get into any trouble.” Abby said, giving her daughter a tight hug before pushing her out of the house. Clarke shook her head and met Octavia and Raven at the top of the driveway and they all walked to the end of the neighborhood. There's a campground and on the water at the end of the block where the party was already in full swing, they had ended up arriving late anyways. 

As they walked down the path to the campground Clarke was tackled to the ground by a tall guy. Clarke laughed and pushed the guy off her but as she was back on her feet there was another smaller guy pulling her back to the ground. Clarke shook her head as the too piled on top of her and looked down at her. “We’ve missed you Clarke!” They both said in unison and Clarke smiled but pushed them off of her. 

“You guys are gonna ruin my outfit.” She muttered, brushing the dirt off her jeans and butt. “But I’ve missed you guys too. Well for the most part.” Clarke teased which earned a punch on the arm from Jasper. “Kidding!” Clarke laughed and they all walked over to the keg and Monty poured a drink for Clarke. 

“Think you can take us in quarters? You are a little rusty.” Monty joked, and Clarke rolled her eyes.

“You all know I could win no matter how rusty I am.” Clarke stated, glaring at her friend. 

“Oh hold up there, I hear a challenge!” Raven called out which made everyone at the party turn and look over at the group. “Okay guys, Clarke fucking Griffin is back for the last block party of our lives before we are high school graduates. So who here thinks they can rise to the occasion and kick her fucking ass in quarters?” Clarke shook her head and Raven’s antics. *Why is she always so over the top*, Clarke laughed to herself. 

However, Clarke’s whole body went rigid when she saw the brunette step out of the crowd. “I will.” She heard the voice she thought she’d never hear again. Raven looked back at Clarke and glared back at the brunette. 

“How about you fuck off?” Raven replied, started to head towards the brunette, but Octavia and Monty held her back. 

“You know what, she can go against me.” Jasper called out, trying to even out the mood, and succeeded when the crowd cheered. “I become somewhat of a champ since you stopped coming, Clarke. So don’t feel too bad if I kick your ass.” Jasper winked and to Clarke with a smirk on his face, pulling her over his shoulder and to the table to play the drinking game. Clarke shook the brunette, and the almost definite fight that could’ve happened with her and Raven, from her mind again, and focused on her friend; and kicking his ass. Jasper put her down and she glared at him, with a playful smirk on his face. 

“You wish, Jas. You know I taught you everything you know.” She joked back with him, a small smirk playing on her lips. They set up the cups and each get a coin to flip into them, and the game begins. Clarke flips the coin first, and it lands in Jaspers cup with ease. “Maybe I’m not as rusty as you think.” She winks at Jasper who is glaring at her before downing whatever was put into the cups.

“We shall see, Princess.” He says before flipping his coin and it lands one of the cups in front of Clarke. Clarke rolled her eyes and downed the beverage before going and flipping the coin again. Clarke hit her mark for the next four cups and Jasper had as well. They were both on their final cups and Clarke was already feeling the alcohol, but she knew if she missed this Jasper would win, and she couldn’t let that happen. As she was getting ready to flip the coin into Jaspers cup she saw the brunette in the distance behind Jasper and her body froze again. Jasper could tell something was up so her pulled Clarke’s focus back. 

“Getting cold feet there, Princess? Scared you’re gonna lose? Has the student finally become the master?” Jasper cooed at her, egging her on. Clarke rolled her eyes, and focused back onto the cup in front of Jasper, once again shaking the brunette as far from her mind as she could. She flipped the coin and it hit the back of the cup before falling in and Clarke jumped up and screamed her victory. 

“Drink up, Goggles.” she laughed with a proud smile on her face. “The teacher is still the fucking master.” Jasper shook his head but downed the drink and went over and gave Clarke a bear hug. 

“I missed you, Griffin. I will gladly lose to you anytime.” Clarke smiled and hugged him back before patting his back.

“There won’t be a next time if you don’t let me breathe.” She got out before he let go. Octavia and Raven came over and took Clarke back to the main part of the party.

“I wanna dance.” Octavia called and Clarke couldn’t help but notice how suddenly Lincoln stopped standing by the keg talking to Finn and moved to the dance floor to get closer to Octavia. Clarke looked over at Finn who looked genuinely uncomfortable watching Raven dance with some other guy and ended up walking away. Clarke shook her head, thinking to herself, *those two need to work out their issues*.

Clarke dance with everyone at least once before she started to feel the alcohol hit her in an unpleasant way. It’d been a long time since she’d been to a party, and it was starting to overwhelm her a bit. 

“I’m gonna go sit by the lake for a bit.” Clarke told Octavia and Raven, who both gave her a questioning look. “I’ll be back, I just need a moment.” Clarke said, reassuring her friends. “I’m okay, really.” They both nodded at her, and let her go. Clarke walked off and followed the path down to the lake, coming up on the beach off the camp ground. Clarke noticed all the canoes that were pulled up on the shore and knew a lot of the kids had just paddled their way over to the party. 

Clarke went and sat on the sand, looking across the lake and sighed and wrapped her arms around her legs pulling them to her chest. Clarke was starting to get lost in her own thoughts when she heard a tree branch crack and she jumped up to see who was there, but she already knew who it was.

There she was, standing in front of her for the first time in three years. “Lexa…” Clarke breathed out, not knowing if she wanted to run and hug the girl, or go slap her for all the pain she caused.

“Clarke…” She said quietly, approaching her slowly. Lexa was standing directly in front of her now, and Clarke could barely breathe. Everything that had happened hitting her at once. All the emotions she learned to bury deep within her for years surfaced all at once. It hit Clarke like a truck and she couldn’t get her breathing to slow down. “Clarke, breathe.” Lexa said, worry in her voice and she reached out to touch Clarke but Clarke backed away from the girl, and tripped over and onto the ground. 

“You… left… you just…” Clarke barely spit out, her breathing getting worse as she was starting to hyperventilate. Lexa was on the ground and pulled Clarke onto her lap and held her tight. 

“I know, I know.” She said, rubbing Clarke’s back. “I need you to breathe, Clarke. Deep breaths. Feel my hand. Feel the sand in your feet, hear my voice, and count with me.” Lexa said, her voice completely serious, no emotions in them. Lexa started to count and Clarke counted with her, in her head at first but then out loud. “Fifty. Good, your breathing is normal again.” Lexa said, a small smile on her face. Clarke shook her head and pulled away from the girl and stood back on her feet. 

“What the hell are you doing here, Lexa?” Clarke yelled at her, not having the energy to hold her anger back anymore. “You left, you left without even saying goodbye. Shit hit the fan and you what? Just decided whatever you could shoot up or snort was more important to you?” Clarke couldn’t hold back the tears as her voice raised higher and higher but she didn’t care anymore. “You left, Lexa. You left without a word and I thought you died. For over a year I checked everywhere. I asked around, I went looking for you wherever I could. No one knew where you were, no one knew if you were alive.” Clarke’s voice broke, and she started breathing heavy again, the panic attack coming back, tears falling down her face. “You could’ve been lying in a ditch somewhere, and I couldn’t have known. I was there for you. I needed you, Lexa. My dad…” And Clarke lost it she fell to her knees again and was hyperventilating, sobbing into her legs as she was hunched over. Lexa pulled Clarke onto the canoe near them and pulled Clarke close to her as she let the blonde cry. Lexa paddled fast to get back to Clarke’s dock outside her house. Whispering sorry’s and forgive me’s in her ear as she let the blonde cry into her neck. 

Once they got to Clarke’s dock, Lexa pulled Clarke up and carried her up to the house. Abby was outside pulling Clarke away from Lexa before they even got to the door. “Don’t fucking touch her.” Abby screamed and pulled Clarke into her arms and took her back inside and laid her on the couch in the living room. Abby went back outside and slapped Lexa hard across the face. 

“Don’t ever come near my daughter again. You’ve done enough damage. Go!” Abby screamed at her and Lexa turned and walked away, hot tears running down her cheeks as she paddled across the lake and back to her own dock. 

Clarke felt her mom pulled her up to her room and kissed her forehead. “You’re okay, Clarke. She’s not gonna hurt you again, I promise.” Abby whispered to her as Clarke drifted off into a nightmare filled sleep. That night Abby was waking up Clarke in the shower after a nightmare, and not Mikey. Abby swore to herself years ago she’d never let her daughter be as hurt as she was, and couldn’t keep that promise when Jake died, but she would be damned if she let Lexa back and hurt her daughter again. It wasn’t going to happen.


	2. Chapter 2

Clarke woke up with water pouring over top of her, heart racing. Clarke bolted up and Abby pulled her tight against her. “It’s okay, Clarke.” Abby reassured her daughter, holding her tight. “Deep breaths, just feel the water and come back.” Abby said, just like she would do with Mikey.

Clarke felt guilt hit her. *I’m the one who is supposed to stay strong*, Clarke thought to herself. Clarke closed her eyes, pushing the tears back, and pulling on the mask she’d gotten so used to wearing. “I’m okay.” Clarke said, getting up and wrapping a towel around herself. She heard a short cry from Mikey’s room and she knew Mikey was having a nightmare as well. “Go get Mikey, I’m okay.” Clarke said looking over at her mom, who didn’t look convinced. “Really, go to him.” Another cry from Mikey’s room was all Abby needed to get up and go to her son, looking back at Clarke once more before leaving the bathroom. 

Clarke went back to her room, changed into dry clothes and looked out the window to the house across the lake. The guest lights were on, she knew Lexa was still awake. Clarke sighed and went back to her bed and curled into a ball, thoughts starting to overwhelm her. Clarke’s stomach felt sick from all the alcohol, but she wasn’t dizzy. So she just wrapped herself in her blanket and closed her eyes. She heard her door open, she lifted her head and saw Raven walk in. 

“Octavia went home with Lincoln.” She said, clearly upset and Clarke opened up her covers and the small Latina crawled into bed with Clarke, facing her. “Where did you go, we looked for you.” 

“Lexa.” Clarke said, her voice hard. Raven sighed and wrapped her arms around her friend. “I completely lost it.” Clarke whispered, her voice breaking slightly.

“Want me to go beat her ass?” Raven asked, no hint of humor in her tone and Clarke knew she was dead serious. Clarke shook her head and Raven pulled her closer. “It’ll be okay. She probably won’t stay long anyways.” Raven muttered into Clarke’s hair. The thought of Lexa leaving again hurt Clarke even more. It hit her harder than seeing Lexa again. The realization made Clarke understand that no matter how hurt she was by what Lexa did, she needed to hear the girl out. Clarke needed to understand why Lexa just left her. Why Lexa just left her whole life behind and disappeared for three years. 

Clarke closed her eyes and Raven turned the opposite way as they both fell asleep. Clarke hoped that she wouldn’t wake from another nightmare, knowing her mom was already dealing with Mikey. She couldn’t afford to be weak right now. She had to stay strong for her mom and for Mikey. Lexa threatened that strength tonight, and Clarke wondered if she should even hear Lexa out. It confused her even more. 

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Clarke woke up later in the morning to her phone going off. Raven grumbled and threw a pillow over her head, while Clarke reached out and turned off the alarm on her phone. It was five in the morning, the time she’d usually got up on Sunday to go for her run with her dad. Clarke sighed and got up, grabbing her running clothes before going to change in the bathroom. 

Clarke walked down the stairs twenty minutes later and saw her mom drinking her coffee at the kitchen table. “How are you feeling?” Abby asked her, looking up from the paper. Clarke shrugged and grabbed her water bottle from the fridge. 

“I’ll be back.” Clarke said and headed out the door, starting her run. She left the bottle in the mailbox for when she got back, wrapped her phone around her arm and blasted her music as she began her five mile run. 

On her way back, Clarke stopped at the neighborhood park that was only a five minute walk from her house. It was empty because most of the town wasn’t even awake yet. Clarke pushed the gate open and headed over to the trampoline. As she approached she saw someone sit up and jump off, making Clarke stop dead in her tracks. 

“Fancy meeting you here.” She heard Lexa mumble and Clarke shook her head. 

“What are you doing here, Lexa?” Clarke shot back, crossing her arms. 

“You know I always used to come here to think.” Lexa said, coming up and standing in front of Clarke. 

“Why are you back?” Clarke said, hurt and anger in her voice. Clarke took a deep breath to compose herself. She couldn’t let herself break down like she did last night. 

“I needed to fix things.” Lexa sighed, coming in closer to Clarke. “I didn’t leave in the right way. I know that. I couldn’t live with myself. So I came home. To fix things with my mom, with my family.” Lexa took a step closer to Clarke so they weren’t even an inch apart. “With you.” Clarke let out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding in. She backed away from Lexa shaking her head. Clarke walked over to the swings and sat down on one, looking down at her feet. 

“Why now?” Clarke asked barely above a whisper. “Why after all these years?” Clarke finally looked up to look at Lexa. 

“I couldn’t come back before…” Lexa mumbled. “I wanted to, I just couldn’t.” Clarke shook her head and got up.

“That’s not good enough.” Clarke spat at the girl and went to leave. She couldn’t listen to anymore of what the girl had to say. “It’s just not fucking good enough, Lexa.” Clarke pushed the gate open and started to head back to her house when she heard Lexa call out to her.

“I missed you Clarke.” She called, making Clarke stop cold in her tracks, but didn’t turn around. “Everyday, I thought about you. About how you were doing, what you were doing, if you were getting by without me.” Clarke took a deep breath and shook her head. “You weren’t just my best friend Clarke. We both know that.” Clarke closed her eyes, remembering all the nights of almost kisses, cuddling, and sweet nothings that were whispered to each other. “I lov-“ Lexa started to say but Clarke cut her off.

“No.” She yelled, turning on her heels to glare at the older girl. “No. You don’t get to just come back, out of nowhere, and tell me we weren’t just friends, that you missed me… That you loved me.” Clarke yelled getting closer to Lexa, anger pouring out of her. “It’s not fair. I moved on. I grieved for you like you died, and I moved on. You don’t get to come back here and tear me apart again. You just don’t.” Clarke yelled, her voice breaking, as a tear fell down her cheek. 

Lexa’s eyes widen and she moved and wrapped her arms around Clarke, and Clarke didn’t push her away but wrapped her arms around the taller girl, crying into her neck. “I’m so sorry…” Lexa whispered into her ear before kissing her temple. “It’s not fair, you’re right.” Lexa rubbed her back softly. “But I needed to come back.” 

“Why now?” Clarke spat and pushed away from the girl, her anger coming back even more. “Why not before? Why not before my dad-“ Clarke couldn’t finish the sentence as her voice broke and even more tears started to fall from her eyes. “I can’t do this, Lexa. I can’t.” Clarke turned and ran back to her house, ignoring the girl calling for her. 

Clarke wiped her tears away as she approached her driveway, trying to erase any sign that she had cried. She couldn’t worry her mom anymore, she had to stay strong. Clarke grabbed her water bottle, chugging it down fast as she walked down her driveway and back into her house. “I’m gonna shower!” Clarke called out, running up the stairs and into the bathroom before anyone could see her. 

Clarke stands and stares blankly at the shower wall as the warm water pour over her. Trying hard to not have her thoughts go back to the brunette, but failing. Her thoughts went to early that day to with the hug, how it felt so natural to be in that girls arms. Even after all these years, even after all the hurt and betrayal she had felt towards Lexa, it felt nice and calm to be in her arms. Her thoughts drifted back to all the late nights they would spend at that park. Laying on the trampoline and just laying there. They’d talk sometimes but mostly they’d just lay there and feel peace in each others company. It was the only peace that either of them really got to feel.

Clarke was always busy with sports growing up, and it got to be really overwhelming. She’d never tell her dad or mom, because they had their own problems to deal with. As much as Clarke misses her father, she knows that if he had lived her mom and her dad would have ended up getting a divorce. There were so many fights, so many nights where Jake would sleep in the guest room. Clarke knew they were only together for Mikey and her, it was obvious that there wasn’t love there anymore. Clarke wishes that they got to separate and find love somewhere else, but Clarke didn’t even know if that was even possible. Was love just an idea people made up to have great movies, because whenever she looked around her she never saw real, deep love. 

Especially not with Lexa’s family. It hurt Clarke a lot to see Lexa come to the park late at night crying her heart out. Clarke would take her in her arms and hold her on the trampoline, whispering calming words into the top of her head and let the girl cry it all out. Now that Clarke looks back on everything, it makes some sense why Lexa turned to drugs to cope. Her step-dad was abusive, her mom was a drunk, and her sister was off at college most of the time. It was just her dealing with terrible parents on her own. Lexa got reckless after a while, and stopped showing up at the park late at night, and would be at a party, drinking and shooting her pain away. 

Clarke closed her eyes and felt tears fall down her face and leaned into the shower wall. She remembered the night she found out about everything. Lexa threw pebbles at her window and Clarke came down and found Lexa high and drunk. Abby was at the hospital and it was only Jake home, so Clarke ran and woke him up. Jake and Clarke took care of Lexa together, and Jake was probably the first to know how close her and Lexa were. It didn’t worry him, he just took Clarke in his arms and hugged her tight telling her that Lexa would be okay. That they’ll get her help. They never got the chance though. The next day Lexa was gone from the guest bedroom. She was gone from her house across the lake. She was gone from Clarke’s life. 

Clarke turned off the shower, wiped her eyes, and wrapped a towel tight around her. After she got dressed in her work clothes, she took a deep breath before opening the bathroom door, composing herself again. Putting on the mask, so she could be the strong one again. As she walked out Raven emerged from her room and pushed past her to go to the bathroom.

“I’m about to burst.” She screamed as she slammed the door and Clarke laughed as she walked down the stairs and to the kitchen. Abby is sitting at the kitchen table like usual drinking her cup of coffee and going over some paperwork. 

“You heading off to the hospital?” Abby asks and Clarke nods, stealing her moms cup of coffee and taking a sip. “I’ll be there for Mikey’s appointment around lunch time, if you get a break we can get a bite to eat.” Abby mumbled, grabbing her coffee back with a glare. 

“Sounds good. Raven will probably be asleep most of the day, but if she wakes up tell her I’ll be back for dinner.” Clarke says on her way out of the house. Raven and Octavia had been Clarke’s best friends since they will babies, all their parents working at the hospital. So everyone is in and out of each others houses. It was normal for Clarke to go to sleep and wake up with Octavia or Raven in her bed, and vise versa. Since their parents worked late nights they usually didn’t want to be home alone in their houses, and now with Bellamy gone Octavia really can’t stand her house cause it feels empty all of the time. 

Clarke pulled into the hospital parking lot and walked in, going up to Dr. Sinclair’s office. It was her adoptive father, but they were honestly so alike it was scary. Clarke was always under Sinclair’s service whenever she worked, which she didn’t mind because he was a trauma surgeon. Clarke loves the rush of the trauma room, the fast pace, there was never a dull moment and it didn’t give Clarke any time to think about anything else. 

Clarke got her nursing license the previous year, she can’t do too much without an resident nurse but she can take vitals and set up them to IV’s, write the charts, and a few other things. The hospital one time got a huge interstate crash

Today was another busy day for the ER and Clarke was grateful for it. She could focus on her work without worrying or thinking about Lexa. Clarke zoned in and took care of everything she could and charted everyone that came into the ER that morning. She didn’t even know how focused she was until her mom came and touched her shoulder. 

“Honey, are you ready for lunch?” She asked, and Clarke looked at her surprised. It had felt like she had only been there for an hour or two. “We’ll meet you at the cafeteria.” Abby said, before getting dragged off by Mikey, Clarke smiled and finished what she was writing on the chart in front of her. Once she was done she stored it in the filing cabinet behind the desk. Clarke went to meet her mom and brother at the cafeteria, surprised to see Raven in line getting food with her dad. Normally she wasn’t up till at least 3. 

“Hey twerp.” Clarke smiled and hugged her brother. “How are you today?” Mikey shrugged and then went to go get food at the buffet in the cafeteria. Clarke frowned as he walked away and then looked at her mom.

“He had a rough session today.” She mumbled and Clarke sighed. All he had were rough sessions for the past few days, Clarke was starting to wonder if he would ever get past this. Clarke didn’t even know if she could. Clarke left the table and joined Mikey in line at the buffet and nudged him. 

“I heard Lexa is back.” He said, grabbing a burger from the tray in front of him. Clarke was taken aback and looked at him surprised. “Have you talked to her?” Mikey asked, excitement in his tone that broke her heart. Clarke had completely forgotten how much Mikey loved playing with Lexa before she left. She’d come over looking for Clarke, while she was usually at some sort of practice, and would end up playing tag or hide and seek with Mikey. Lexa usually would even babysit Mikey when Clarke and her parents weren’t home. 

“No. Not really.” Clarke stated, looking at the food in front of her that suddenly made her stomach churn. 

“Why not?” Mikey turned to Clarke now, anger in his voice. Clarke sighed and looked over at him. 

“It’s a lot more complicated than it was before Mikey. You wouldn’t und-“ Mikey cut her off before she could finish what she was saying.

“Don’t say I wouldn’t understand. What is there to understand? Your friend, your best friend, finally comes back from being away and you don’t talk to her? People leave us Clarke. You and Mom want me to be okay with Dad leaving but you can’t even get over her leaving? At least she can come back. At least she did.” Mikey yelled at her, and Clarke’s mouth dropped. Before Clarke could even argue back he stormed off leaving his food. 

Clarke watched Mikey go over to their mom and then leave the cafeteria. Clarke closed her eyes and sighed. *Why do I have a feeling he’s got a point*, Clarke asks herself. Taking a deep breath, Clarke walked back to the table where her mom sat frowning. 

“What was that all about?” Abby asked, and Clarke shook her head.

“You and Mikey have different views on Lexa.” At this Abby’s frowned turned to a cold glare. Clarke sighed and grabbed her bag. “Look, I don’t want to fight over her. I’m going back to work. Go easy on Mikey, he doesn’t really know what happened with Lexa.” Clarke mumbled before walking back to her section of the hospital and jumping back into work. 

Clarke couldn’t focus after Mikey yelled at her. She knew he had a point. Lexa did come back, even after all this time, maybe Clarke should give her a chance to explain why she left in the first place. *But what will stop her from leaving again*, Clarke asked herself. 

Clarke worked until seven o’clock before she finally decided to call it a day. She went over and said her goodbyes to Sinclair and a few nurses before heading to the lockers to grab her stuff. After a short drive back to her house Clarke headed through the front door and up to her room, hearing Mikey and Abby in the kitchen as she passed by it. She mumbled her hello briefly, using the excuse that she’s tired and gonna rest for the night. 

Once in her room Clarke saw Raven sitting crosslegged towards the bottom of the bed, hunched over Clarke’s laptop in front of her. As Clarke came into the room, Raven looked up and jumped in shock. “Clarke! You know I always watch scary movies at your house, you can’t just sneak up to a girl like that!” Raven yelled softly punching Clarke as she walked by to drop of her bag from work. Clarke smiled softly and rolled her eyes, dropping her bag off at her desk with a sigh. 

“Did my dad work you too hard today, Griffin?” Raven asked, taking on a more serious tone when she could sense Clarke’s unease. Clarke shook her head and looked down to take off her shoes. Raven patted the spot in the bed in front of her and motion to Clarke to sit. “Come on, it’s girl time.” 

Clarke rolled her eyes again but went and sat down in front of the Latina girl on the bed. “Whats going on, Grif?” Clarke sighed and looked down at her hands. 

“Mikey got mad at me today because I haven’t talked to Lexa.” She mumbled and looked back at Raven, who looked at her with a confused shocked look on her face. “I tried to explain to him that it is a complicated situation but he just went off telling me that they shouldn’t be pushing for him to get over dad leaving when I can’t get over Lexa leaving. That at least she gets a chance to come back, and that she did.” Clarke sighed again and looked down, playing with part of the blanket in between her and Raven. 

“I mean, he does have a point. But Lexa hurt you so bad, Clarke. It’s not something you should just get over.” Raven said taking her hand and squeezing softly. 

“I know, but I ran into her at the park this morning and I just. I miss her so much.” Clarke sighed and closed her eyes, her mind flashing back to the embrace they held early that morning. “I shouldn’t miss her after everything but it felt good to be in her arms again.” Clarke looked over at Raven who had a soft smile on her lips. Before Raven could say anything the bedroom door swung open as a giggling Octavia came bursting in. 

“Guys, I just spent the best day out with Lincoln.” She squealed and Clarke noticed Ravens shoulder’s drop at the sound of the guys name. Clarke sighed, knowing full well of Raven’s crush on Octavia. Raven hadn’t told her yet, and Clarke isn’t gonna force it out of her but Raven isn’t very subtle about it. Clarke smiled softly at Octavia as she listened to the brunette rave about Lincoln. Finding it really hard to be completely happy for her friend when Raven was clearly hurt by it. 

Eventually, Octavia’s rant ended and Raven mumbled an excuse about needing to get home to see her dad. Clarke knew it was a lie because Sinclair was on call tonight and wasn’t leaving the hospital. Clarke gave Raven a small smile before she was out the door. 

“Want to watch a scary movie? I’m gonna sleep over tonight because my mom is on call tonight and I know I’ll sleep right through my alarm.” Clarke nodded before getting up to get changed. 

“Put on whatever, I’m gonna go shower real quick.” Clarke said before heading off to the bathroom down the hall. Once in the shower, Clarke’s thoughts went back to Lexa. Clarke’s mind wandered back to the night Lexa left. How she’d come down after hearing rocks at her window. When she got down to where Lexa was, Lexa pulled her into her arms. Clarke was confused but also so happy to be that close to Lexa. She had been concerned that Lexa had drank too much, not yet seeing the needle marks on her forearm. Lexa had pulled her in close, and kissed her neck before pulling back to look Clarke in the eyes. Clarke remembers that Lexa was mumbling something about how life should be about more than just surviving, but Clarke was too focused on Lexa’s lips to even listen to her completely, much less care to remember when Lexa separated the distance between their lips, kissing her for the first time. Clarke’s heart burst, having wanted nothing more than for Lexa to kiss her. 

Just moments after, Lexa passed out in Clarke’s arms, the affects of the drugs taking her over. Clarke screamed for her dad to help carry Lexa to the guest room, and Jake could clearly tell how much Clarke cared for Lexa, more than how a friend would. He had to carry Clarke back up to her room, or else she would’ve stay curled into Lexa’s side the whole night. The next morning though, Lexa was gone. From everywhere. It broke Clarke’s heart. And made her wonder if Lexa only kissed her because of the drugs, or if she even remembered kissing her. 

Clarke finally turned the shower off before hopping out to dry off and put on clean clothes, trying to shake any more thoughts of the brunette from her mind. Once changed, she headed back to her room where Octavia was with a movie set up on the small TV in front of Clarke’s bed. “Ready for movie night, I picked out a ton of movies about seniors in high school to set the tone for tomorrow.” Clarke rolled her eyes, her friends were extra about everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have an update for you guys, I hope you like it. I plan on having each chapter up within a week of each other or quicker if I can write it! Let me know what you think in the comments or message me on tumblr, I'm shaikru over there as well! Hope you like it :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New update! Sorry it took me a little longer I had work and school. Ew.

Clarke woke up to an alarm going off somewhere in her room, and for a moment she was confused until she realized it was Octavia’s phone. Octavia grumbled, hit the snooze, and threw the covers back over her head. Clarke shook her head before making herself get out of bed for the day. Ever since her dad passed away Clarke took over for a lot of the things he used to do around the house. One of those things would be making breakfast for everyone. 

Once out of bed Clarke walked down to the kitchen, brewed a pot of coffee, and started making some pancakes. Once she had it all done, she walked back up the stairs to make sure Octavia was awake. Walking in, she saw Octavia packing up her book bag, already dressed in her school clothes. “Hey, there’s some yogurt in the fridge for breakfast.” Clarke told her, knowing she didn’t like a big breakfast. 

“Oh I’m having some of those pancakes, screw a small breakfast. I can smell those babies from here.” Octavia said and Clarke laughed before walking back out of the room to go wake up Mikey. When Clarke walked into Mikey’s room he was already out of bed, and Clarke smiled. 

“You didn’t have a nightmare last night.” Clarke said, and Mikey looked over at his older sister and shook his head.

“I had a dream about Lexa.” Mikey mumbled before putting his binder in his book bag. Clarke’s smile dropped at the mention of the older girls name. “Of when she was babysitting me before she left. Dad was in it, so were you. We were all running around the yard throwing water balloons.” Mikey put his bag down and looked over at Clarke.

“We did that. You were two. Lexa had you on her shoulders while dodging the balloons.” Clarke murmured, a small smile coming back to her lips as she remembered the memory. “I don’t know how you remember that.” Mikey just shrugged and looked back down and zipped his backpack. 

“We could have more memories like that, you know? Without Dad, but we could still have more with Lexa.” Mikey whispered. “You said we can keep those who died with us by doing similar things, right? Lexa was a part of Dad to me. He loved her like she was his own.” Mikey looked over at Clarke, who was frozen in place. Clarke shook her head, pushing the thought of letting Lexa back into her life to the back of her mind, and headed to the door. 

“Mom is going to drop you off at your friend Peter’s house so you can go to school with them, I’ll pick you up after.” Clarke said, before walking back to her room to change, Octavia already downstairs scarfing down pancakes. Clarke changed quickly and grabbed her already packed book bag before rushing down the stairs. Octavia was sitting at the kitchen table with Abby, drinking a cup of coffee. 

“You ready?” Clarke asked Octavia who jumped up and nodded.

“Senior year here we come!” Octavia called before heading out the front door to her car. Clarke shook her head before walking over and kissing her mom’s cheek before heading out the front door herself. 

“Have a good day!” Abby called as Clarke shut the door and walked to the bright red car that Octavia loved. Once she was in the passenger seat, Octavia turned the car on and they were on their way to their high school. 

Twenty minutes later, they were parked and stepping out of the car. “We’re back bitches!” Octavia called and Clarke rolled her eyes, waving at Raven who was walking over to them from her own car. Raven came over and rolled her eyes at Octavia along with Clarke.

“Octavia you act like we’ve been gone for over a hundred years. It’s just been a few months dude.” Raven joked and Octavia stuck her tongue out at the toned brunette. Clarke took a moment to take in what Raven had said. Clarke had just finished her junior year when her father and Mikey got into the car accident, it was her first time back into school since he died. The idea of Jake not being in the audience as she walked across the stage to get her diploma broke her heart. Raven could tell something was up with Clarke but before she could snap her friend out of it Anya, Lexa’s older sister and a teacher at their high school, came over to the group as they approached the front door.

“Clarke! How was your summer?” Anya asked, and Clarkes eyes turned cold. Clarke had hoped to not see Anya for the first day back, still feeling a sense of betrayal from the older Woods daughter. Clarke had gotten pretty close to Anya over the years, she’d talk about her life and troubles to the older teacher. So much so that the school made Anya her designated guidance counselor. Clarke had asked Anya all the time if she had heard from Lexa and Anya had always said no. Clarke knew that was a lie now.

“It was fine.” Clarke said, her tone as cold as her glare.

“Right. Well I was hoping, since you were student body president last year, if you could show Andrew around some before class starts today. He just moved from Florida.” Andrew came up beside Anya and waved, clearly embarrassed but Raven saw his eyes linger on Clarkes body longer than were appropriate.

“Sure.” Clarke chirped, pasting on a fake smile before walking past Anya, and grabbing the guys hand to lead him into the school.

“Also can you stop by my office after school?” Anya called after Clarke, as her and her group started to disappear into the crowd enter the front doors of the school.

Clarke stopped, turned back and looked Anya dead in the eyes, no emotion on her face. “Sure, I’d like to get to know you when you aren’t just a liar.” Clarke said, still pissed off and Raven raised her eye brows. It was not like Clarke to talk like that to teachers, but Anya was different. Clarke spun back around before Anya has a chance to answer, still had the new guys hand in hers and pulled them into their high school.

“So I take it, I shouldn’t mess with you?” The guy asks, smirking at her. Raven pushes in between her friend and Andrew and pulling apart their hands, glaring at him.

“Yeah, basically.” Raven spits out and Clarke frowns at her friend, but peaks over her shoulder.

“Clearly she’s more of a threat than I am.” Clarke smiles at the guy and side steps Raven and offers her hand to the guy. “Nice to meet you, I’m Clarke.” Andrew smiles at her and takes her hand.

“Andrew, but you already knew that.” He replies, and they continue to stare and smile at each other. Finally, Raven steps in between the two again and raises her eyebrows at Clarke questionly. Clarke shakes her head at her friend, confused as to why Raven keeps interrupting her talking to the handsome new guy. It was the first time her mind hadn’t be consumed by Lexa, and Clarke would take it. The guy seemed nice, who knows maybe they could be friends. Or more, Clarke thinks to herself with a smirk.

“So where is your first class, Andrew?” Clarke asked, again peeking over Ravens shoulder.

“211A, with Robertson. I think I can find my way, if your friends need you.” Andrew said, clearly confused by Raven’s overprotectiveness.

“Yeah I think that’d be bes-” Raven starts to say but Clarke cuts her off and glares at her.

“I can show you the way, it’s not far from my first class.” Clarke says before side stepping Raven again, and taking Andrew’s arm, turning back to Octavia and Raven as she walked away. Octavia was too focused on her phone to even notice what was going on.

“I’ll catch you guys in class, save my seat!” Clarke called out while backing away and then turning to face in front her, keeping her arm looped with Andrews. He looked down at it and smiled over at her. Clarke blushed and started to apologize and unhook their arms.

“No, it’s okay. I’ve got the prettiest girl in the school on my arm on my first day. I’m off to a good start.” Clarke shook her head and nudged him playfully with her shoulder.

“You haven’t even seen the rest of the school; how would you even know?” Clarke asks him, rolling her eyes.

“I’d be blown away if anyone came by looking better than you.” He murmured, and Clarke looked down at her feet, feeling a blush in her cheeks. It’d been a while since she had someone flirt with her, or to have even blushed. Not since… Nope I am not thinking about her, Clarke told herself. 

They continued down the hall, and Clarke showed him where the cafeteria was, the downstairs classrooms, which were mostly for freshman. Then they headed up the staircase and onto the senior floor. “So you're from Florida?” Clarke asked, trying to find out more about this new guy. “Must be a pretty big change to come to North Carolina.” Clarke mumbled, looking over at the taller guy, taking in his looks more.

He was quite taller than her, sandy blonde hair, brown eyes, and always had a small smirk on his lips. He had a muscular build, which Clarke definitely found attractive. Andrew noticed Clarke looking at him more and his smirk grew, making Clarke look away quickly. 

“Yeah, it’s not too much of a change. I lived in a small town in Florida as well. I’m starting to like it here, though.” Andrew said, nudging Clarke, making her blush again. Clarke laughed softly and continued pointing out rooms until they came to his class. 

“Well this is you.” Clarke mumbled, as she did the bell rang and Andrew shook his head.

“I was hoping the bell wouldn’t ring yet, but any chance I can see you later today?” Andrew said, taking out his phone and handing it to her. Clarke smiled, took it, and put in her number. 

“Just text me, we can meet outside after school before I head off to work.” Clarke smiled at him as she handed him his phone back before backing away slowly. 

“No kiss before class?” He smirked at her and she laughed and looked down. 

“You’ll have to wait till a first date for that, buddy.” Clarke muttered before walking away to head off to her class, which was a few halls down. Clarke walked fast and entere with a few other students, before taking her spot next to Raven, Octavia already sitting with Lincoln. 

“What are you doing with new boy?” Raven immediately questioned her as Clarke put her backpack on the desk. Clarke looked over at her friend with a frown.

“Am I not allowed to flirt all of a sudden?” Clarke shot back, confused as to why her friend was being so protective. 

“You can, but not when you tell me the night before about how you miss a girl from your past, Griffin.” Raven whispered back, and Clarke looked away. “You shouldn’t be flirting with some guy to forget about Lexa. That’s not good for you, nor is it fair to him.” Raven looked over at Octavia, as she laughed and leaned into Lincoln.

“Yeah, well maybe you should just tell Octavia you’re in love with her.” Clarke whispered back, immediately regretting it. Raven whirled around and glared at Clarke. 

“You’re starting act like an asshole, Griffin.” Raven muttered, before turning to look at the teacher who had started talking about class. Clarke sighed and laid her head on her book bag. 

After class, Raven shot up and walked out before Clarke even got a chance to apologize for using that against her. Clarke sighed and went to her next class, noticing how Raven chose to sit with Monty and Jasper instead of her and Octavia. Octavia noticed too and tried to question Clarke but Clarke just shrugged it off. “We got into a disagreement.” Was all she said, and Octavia quit questioning her about it. 

The school day dragged on, and Raven continued to ignore Clarke even at their lunch break, sitting further down the table with Wick, Murphy, and Miller. Clarke sat with Octavia, Lincoln, Jasper and Monty, laughing about the party fouls and mishaps, who hooked up with whom. There was an awkward pause when everyone found out that Lincoln and Octavia hooked up, but as usual Jasper joked it off and the conversation went back to stupid drunk people at the party. 

Clarke didn’t see Andrew at lunch, and figured they must have different schedules, but she was happy to see a text from him. Clarke smiled and put her phone away, after reading a cheesy pickup line about them meeting after school was out. Octavia noticed Clarke smiling into her phone and started ‘oooh’ing her. “Is that the new guy, Griffin?” Octavia teased and Clarke shook her head.

“Shut up.” Clarke smiled but couldn’t help but look over at Raven who had been listening in. Clarke lost her smile immediately when Raven got up and walked out of the cafeteria. Clarke sighed and started to head after her but the bell rang to signal their lunch period was over. Everyone piled out of the cafeteria and back to class, and Clarke never got a chance to pull Raven aside to talk things out. 

Once the final bell rang, Clarke headed out the front of the school with Octavia before she found Andrew standing off to the side. She said her goodbye to Octavia who was all too eager to run off and meet Lincoln. Once over to Andrew, he pulled her into a small hug, Clarke smiled and leaned into it.

“Just who I wanted to see.” Andrew smiled down at her, Clarke just rolled her eyes. 

“What, you didn’t realize I wasn’t the prettiest girl in school yet?” Clarke teased and Andrew faked hurt. Clarke shook her head and nudged him. Andrew lost his smile a bit, as he started to look more serious, and Clarke frowned.

“I have something to ask you though.” Andrew said, and Clarke’s stomach dropped. He found out about my dad, Clarke thought to herself. “Do you want to go on a date with me this week?” Andrew asked, his smile reappearing, as did Clarke’s.

“Yeah, that’d be nice.” Clarke said as Andrew stepped closer to her, he was leaning in to kiss her when Anya called Clarke’s name, making him jump back. Clarke sighed and looked over to the teacher who was waving her back in the school. “That’s my cue. I’ll text you the times I’m free.” Clarke said as she backed away and turned to head back in to talk to Anya. Clarke went and followed Anya to her office, they both walked in silence, Clarke knew if Anya tried to start up conversation in the hall she’d snap and it wouldn’t be okay to do that in front of other teachers. So Clarke kept her mouth shut and just walked behind Anya down the halls and to the older Wood’s office. 

“You want to tell me what this morning was all about?” Anya asked, as she shut the door behind them. 

“You want to tell me why you lied to me for three years about where Lexa was?” Clarke shot back, her stare cold and hard.

“I didn’t lie to you, Clarke.” Anya sighed and walked to sit behind her desk, motioning for Clarke to sit as well. “How much has Lexa even told you?” The name hit Clarke like a ton of bricks, she had been trying so damn hard to not think about the girl all day; thankfully Andrew had been a good escape from it. 

“I haven’t talked to her, Anya. Why should I?” Clarke asked, her anger coming back up. “How did you not lie to me exactly, Anya? Are you saying you didn’t know where she was for three years and she just showed up with a damn moving van at your house?” 

“No, I knew she was coming home before she did. But I only heard from her a week before she came back, Clarke. Lexa told me not to tell you, that she wanted to clear things up herself.” Anya stated folding her arms and leaning back in her chair. “Clarke… just please hear her out. I think it’ll be good for the both of you.” Clarke shook her head and stood up, grabbing her bag.

“No, it’d be good for her, just like leaving was good for her, and no one else. I’m so tired of everything always revolving around her schedule, I’m not doing it anymore. She lost the right to be a part of my life the day she left and never looked back.” Clarke spat and went to open the door, as she opened it she saw Lexa on the other side. Anger soared through her as she turned around to glare at Anya. “Really, Anya? You can’t just call me in your office and have her show up.” Clarke went and pushed past Lexa, trying to ignore the static running through her body when her shoulder bumped Lexa. 

Clarke pulled out her phone as she walked out of the building and sent a text to Andrew, telling him they should go out tomorrow after school. She knew it probably wasn’t the best decision to make, seeing how emotional she was, and she knew Raven had a point. Shit, I haven’t even apologized to Raven yet, Clarke thought to herself, mentally punching herself in the face. Raven was going to be watching Mikey when he got out of school, so Clarke set to talk to her when she got off work and went home. 

Clarke got into her car, that her mom left in the parking lot after Marcus picked her up, turned up her music and drove off to the hospital to start her shift. Once there, she resumed her normal busy routine in the ER, ignoring any thoughts of Lexa that tried to enter her mind. When it was around dinner time, she met up with Abby in the cafeteria to get food. Abby and her talked about their days, Abby checked on Clarke more than once to make sure her daughter could handle being back in school. Clarke wanted to tell her mom how much it hurt that Jake wouldn’t be there when she graduated, or to be there to help her through stupid class assignments. Clarke would miss the big dinners her dad would have after every test Clarke and Mikey would have, he wouldn’t grill them on if they did well or not, he’d just have their favorite meal cooked and they’d spend the night relaxing. It was something Clarke always looked forward to on test days. 

But Clarke couldn’t talk to Abby about all of it, because she didn’t want to hurt her mom, or seem incapable of coping with everything. So she shook her head and told her mom she’d be fine, and that she shouldn’t worry. Once their dinner was over they both headed off to different floors of the hospital to finish up their shift. Once they were both done, they drove home, Abby riding back with Clarke since she had dropped the car off at her school and got a ride with Marcus from the school after he dropped off his nephew, Murphy. 

The car ride was silent except for the music playing, Clarke was working out how to talk to Raven in her head as she made the thirty minute drive back home. She and Raven had had a few disagreements over the years, it just comes with being friends for so long. But they always worked it out, so Clarke wasn’t worried about that. She just hated bringing up the fact Raven is head over heels for Octavia. It was a low blow and Clarke knew that. 

Finally, they pulled into the driveway, parked next to Ravens Jeep and headed inside. Clarke noticed Raven watching a movie on the couch while playing on her phone, but didn’t see Mikey anywhere. “Mikey!” Abby called out but she didn’t hear anything back. Raven sat up, frowning when she didn’t see the kid running down the stairs like he normally would when his mom came home. “Raven, Where’s Mikey?” Abby asked, and Raven’s eyes went wide.

“He was… he was just in here…” Raven mumbled and Abby went into full mom-panic mode. Abby ran upstairs to check his room while Clarke went to the kitchen, Raven went and looked in the study, everyone calling out for Mikey but hearing nothing in return. When Clarke had searched the whole first floor and didn’t find him, she started to worry. Clarke ran out the back door and onto the patio, and saw two figures sitting on the dock. Clarke immediately knew who it was, Mikey and Lexa. Abby came out behind Clarke and saw them on the dock. Clarke looked over at Abby, already seeing anger fill her mothers eyes. 

“Mom, go easy on him.” Clarke cautioned but her mother was already storming through the backyard and down to the dock. Clarke quickly followed behind, leaving Raven an anxious mess in the doorway behind her. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Abby yelled as she approached the two sitting with their backs to the raging woman. Mikey and Lexa immediately jumped up and turned to face the red faced woman, and Clarke who was running up behind her. “I thought I made myself perfectly clear the other night, we don’t want anything to do with you.” Abby yelled, grabbing Mikey’s arm to pull him away from Lexa. Mikey yanked his arm away and pushed away from his mother.

“No, you two don’t want anything to do with her, I can make the decision for myself!” Mikey yelled back, and Clarke just stood there in shock. 

“No you will not, Michael Alexander Griffin. You have no idea what-“ Mikey cut off his moms lecture with his own.

“No, don’t say I don’t understand! She left, I understand that fine. But she came back!” Mikey yelled, Clarke looked over to Lexa who was looking down at her feet. “And I’m glad she came back, at least she gets a chance to. Dad doesn’t.” Mikey yelled at his mom, Abby’s eyes went wide with hurt and shock. When Abby went to say something, Clarke stepped forward and got in between both of them. 

“Stop it! Both of you can talk about this up at the house.” Clarke said, no room to argue in her tone. Mikey nodded and headed up to the house, Abby went to follow but stopped when Clarke hadn’t moved. Abby frowned at her and glared at Lexa. “I’ll be right behind you, Mom.” Clarke said, needing a second to talk to Lexa, Clarke’s own anger coming up inside again. Abby gave a short nod before turning around and heading up to the house after Mikey. Once Abby was out of hearing distance Clarke whirled and glared at Lexa.

“What the fuck were you thinking, Lexa?” Clarke yelled at the older girl. Lexa sighed and looked down.

“That at least one Griffin still likes me.” Lexa whispered softly, just loud enough for Clarke to hear, before she turned around and went to put her canoe back in the water. What Lexa said tore Clarke apart inside. It hurt so much to see how much Lexa was obviously hurting, and she hated that so much. Clarke couldn’t bare it again and stepped forward.

“Lexa, wait.” Lexa stops dead in her tracks and Clarke can feel her heart beat pound in her chest. When Lexa turns around, Clarke’s heart somehow speeds up. Lexa’s eyes a full of completely hurt and hope combined, it made Clarke want to run and throw her arms around the taller brunette. But Clarke knew she couldn’t, she wasn’t ready yet. “Just don’t get Mikey’s hopes up and leave again.” Clarke murmured, her voice cracking. 

Lexa took a few steps closer to Clarke, looking down at her as she approached. Lexa stepped into Clarke’s personal space, but Clarke couldn’t move back, her body frozen with how close Lexa was getting to her. All she could focus on was her heart pounding and trying to keep her breathing level. Lexa stopped, millimeters apart from Clarke, and looked her in the eyes before replying. “I’m not leaving again, Clarke.” And Lexa said it with so much sincerity that Clarke couldn’t help but believe her. Clarke was leaning in and wanted so badly to be in the brunettes arms but as she leaned in she heard her mother call out her name from the house.

Clarke instantly jumped back and looked down, mumbling a quick, “I’ve gotta go.” before turning around and walking too fast back up to the house. Clarke’s head was spinning and she couldn’t focus, what did Lexa mean by she wasn’t leaving again. Clarke ran back into the house, ignoring her moms words and Ravens as she went to her room and slammed the door shut, shutting out everyone. 

Clarke was fucked. She knew she still had feelings for Lexa, she knew she was still heartbroken from Lexa leaving, but she felt how happy her heart was when she heard Lexa say she wasn’t going to leave again. Clarke couldn’t think about it all anymore, so she stripped out of her scrubs and into her night clothes, curled up into bed and fell asleep. Though she couldn’t even escape Lexa in her dreams anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wtf Abby why you gotta ruin that clexa moment like that. Also Raven is a hard core clexa fan. Low key mikey is too. I promise Lexa's backstory will be told and this Andrew dude won't be around too much longer. It's a slow burn. But leave me a comment or message me on tumblr to let me know what you think Lexa's backstory is!


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... so I've been super busy. Life kinda got crazy. I had a summer class, work, friends, and a 21st birthday that kinda took my life over. I do apologize for being fucking terrible with updating! But LEXA'S BACKSTORY AND SOME CLEXA IS IN THIS CHAPTER!! So I hope yall enjoy. As always leave me a comment and let me know what you think! Oh and if you ever wanna come and bother me on tumblr or pester me to update pls do. My tumblr is shaikru as well!

The next morning Clarke woke up early to go on a run, and noticed that Mikey went again another night without a nightmare. Clarke knew Lexa was helping Mikey in some way, and was grateful she didn’t have to see her brother wake up screaming and crying for the first time in a few months. Part of Clarke wished it wasn’t Lexa that was helping Mikey, but part of her was glad it was Lexa. 

As she ran her only thoughts were on the brunette girl. Clarke was so confused on how to feel when it came to Lexa, even more now after Lexa told her she wasn’t going to leave again. How can I believe her, Clarke thought to herself. All Clarke knew was how good it felt to be near Lexa, and how terrible it has felt when Lexa was gone. 

After Clarke finished her run and was passing by the park that her and Lexa held dear. But she couldn’t stop there, she couldn’t keep thinking about Lexa anymore. I made my decision, Clarke told herself, I can’t have her in my life anymore. Clarke sped up and ran back to her house, down the driveway and into the front door. Stopping in the kitchen to drink a Gatorade, noticing Abby was busy cooking a light breakfast for everyone. 

“Are you going to tell me what had you so upset last night?” Abby questioned her daughter, not looking up from the scrabbled eggs she was cooking. Clarke took a big sip of her drink before turning to her mother.

“Lexa coming back has just been,” Clarke took a deep breath and looked down at her drink in her hands. “It’s been a lot to take in.” Abby pushed the scrabbled eggs onto a plate before turning and facing her daughter.

“Please don’t tell me you’re going to let her back into your life, Clarke.” Abby stated, her tone cold and distant. Clarke shook her head and looked up at Abby. “She’s not a good person, Clarke. Jake told me about the night she left, how strung out she was on drugs.” Abby took a step closer to her daughter and cupped her cheek. “I don’t want you getting dragged into her mess.” Clarke smiled softly at her mom.

“I won’t.” Clarke stated, looking her mom in her eyes until Abby nodded, believing her daughter.

“Go shower, you stink.” Abby said, making Clarke laugh. “I’m not kidding, get out of my kitchen.” Abby smiled and nudged her daughter. Clarke shook her head and ran up the stairs and hopped into the shower, changing into her school clothes and grabbing her bag. Once downstairs again, she joined Mikey and Abby at the table and ate her breakfast, checking her phone when she saw a message from Octavia telling her she was on the way to pick her up.

“Do you need me to leave the car at school today?” Abby asked, as Clarke put her plate in the dishwasher. 

“No, Andrew is going to give me a ride after we hangout.” Clarke said nonchalantly, hopping her mother wouldn’t catch onto the new name. 

“Who’s Andrew?” Mikey asked as Clarke put on her backpack about to head out the door, and Clarke sighed. I was so close Mikey, Clarke thought to herself. 

“Just a friend.” Clarke said, her voice rising a little, making Abby take more notice.

“Is this hanging out, more than just hanging out?” Abby stood up and looked at her daughter, a smile on her face. “Does my lil Clarkey have a date?” She cooed and Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Shut up, I’m leaving.” Clarke muttered and headed towards the front door. 

“Come on let me have a little fun!” Abby called after her daughter, not done teasing her. Clarke shut the door quickly behind her and practically ran to the passenger side of Octavia’s car, hoping in fast. 

“Wheres the fire at Griffin?” Octavia joked and Clarke glared over at her.

“You if you don’t drive now.” Clarke muttered back, seeing Abby run out the door. “Now.” Clarke said, Octavia shook her head but listened and backed out of the driveway, laughing at how Abby was waving condoms in the air. 

“Are you going to explain why your mom was waving condoms?” Octavia laughed and Clarke hid her face in her hands.

“Her way of torturing me.” Clarke mumbled shaking her head. “I mentioned I was hanging out with Andrew after school today and she just goes a whole way with it.” Clarke shook her head and Octavia laughed.

“Well Griffin you move fast, he just started yesterday.” Clarke glared over at her best friend. “Breaking in the newbie already.” 

“We are just hanging out!” Clarke practically screamed which made Octavia laugh harder. 

“Well if you need condoms I’ve got some left over from the other night with Lincoln, we tried-“ Clarke cut Octavia off.

“Nope. No. Nada. Noway am I hearing this right now.” Clarke reached and turned the radio up higher, which made Octavia giggle. They rode the rest of the way to school singing along to their favorite songs, and dancing in their seats. Once at school they hop out of the jeep and look around for Raven, seeing her car but not her by it like usual. 

“I’m gonna go see if she’s by the cafeteria, knowing her she’s probably scarfing down half the food.” Clarke nodded and looked over and saw Andrew pull into the parking lot. “Go get em tiger.” Octavia teases and makes a fake growling noise which makes Clarke roll her eyes. 

Clarke left Octavia when she started mimicking dry humping, and headed over to Andrew. “Hey there stranger.” He smiled at her as he got out of his car. He went and wrapped his arms around Clarke, and she wrapped hers around his waist. The hug felt stiff and awkward, and Clarke knew why. 

“Hi there.” She mumbled stepping back, not knowing what to say. She agreed to go out with the guy, but didn’t really want to lead him on. 

“So I was thinking I’d take you to a movie, then we could go eat at this bar. My mom said they have really good food.” 

“The Dropship? It’s the only bar in town, and yeah their food is the best.” Clarke mumbles and Andrew smiles. He keeps talking about the movie he wants to see, Clarke just smiles softly and walks with him, not really listening to what he’s saying. When she sees Anya her mind drifts back to the brunette girl that was thrown back into her life. 

Clarke couldn’t help but want to run up to Anya and just force her to tell her where Lexa had gone, so she could know why the older girl could just up and leave her life. Clarke felt like she was kicking a dead horse, with constantly going back and forth between wanting to punch Lexa in the face or kiss her. 

“So does the movie sound good to you?” Andrew asked and Clarke blinked out of her thought.

“What, oh yeah it sounds good.” Clarke mumbled and gave him a soft smile. He frowned at her and started to say something when the bell rang. “I’ll see you after school!” Clarke called and ran off to her first class of the day, choosing to sit with Jasper and Monty, not knowing if Raven would want to talk to her yet. 

The day drags on, Clarke and Raven both avoid each other. Sitting at opposite tables at lunch again. Finally when the last bell rings, Clarke heads outside to meet Andrew. As she’s out the door, Raven grabs her and pulls her to the side.

“I’m so sorry I lost track of Mikey and that we’ve been fighting. Is your mom really mad, am I not going to be able to watch him anymore? I swear he was just in the living room with me, going on about some pigeon that was probably in the back yard, and I didn’t know he’d go and find Lexa. I’m sorry Clarke.” Raven basically cried at her, tears and worry in her eyes, Clarke smile and pulls Raven into a hug.

“If it was a Pidgeot and he caught it, I’ll be more mad about that I wasn’t home to get it too.” Clarke calmed her friend, pulling her back to look at her. “And I’m sorry we’ve been fighting too. I feel terrible for bringing up Octavia. I shouldn’t have, I was waiting fo you to tell me and it was so fucking stupid of me.” Raven sighed and looked down.

“Is it that obvious?” Raven muttered and Clarke shook her head.

“No to Octavia, but I’ve known you forever and a day; so for me yes. Why don’t you tell her, Raven?” Clarke asked, and Raven sighed, shaking her head. 

“What am I supposed to say to her? ‘Wanna binge watch Gossip Girl, oh I’m in love with you by the way’ She’s head over heels with Lincoln, Clarke. I can’t throw this at her, it’ll ruin our friendship.” Raven sighed, looking completely defeated. Clarke was about to comfort her friend when Andrew came over and interrupted.

“You ready to go, Clarke?” Andrew asked, making Raven snap her eyes up and glare at her friend. Clarke avoided eye contact with Raven and nodded. 

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Raven.” Clarke mumbled, still not looking her in the eyes. She knew Raven was right, but didn’t want to back out on hanging out with Andrew. She didn’t really know what to do. So she headed off to Andrew’s car and Clarke got in as Andrew opened her door for her. He ran and hopped into the drivers seat and turned on the car, looking over at her asking, "What music do you like?" 

"Pretty much anything. Surprise me." Clarke smiled softly then looked out the window and saw Anya getting into a car that had pulled up. Clarke immediately noticed the driver. Clarke's heart sped up and hopped Lexa didn't look over and see her. Why do I care if she sees me with someone else, Clarke asked herself shaking her head.

"No to the song?" Andrew asked, snapping Clarke out of another Lexa daze. 

"Oh, no it's nice." Clarke mumbled and looked down, pushing the brunette from her mind. She wanted to focus on her time with Andrew, but it wasn't sitting right with her. Something about being there with him, just felt wrong. Maybe it is, Clarke told herself, Raven did have a point. Clarke sighed and pushed all the thoughts away, reached over and turned up the music and started singing along. 

Andrew smiled over at her more than once and it was making her a little self conscious. "What do you keep smiling at?" Clarke asks, looking down. 

"You can sing pretty well." He shrugged, smiling over at her again. Clarke blushed but instantly felt more guilty. Lexa loved it when Clarke sang for her. Clarke sighed and went to look out the window, getting annoyed that the thoughts of the brunette kept occupying her mind. It was getting frustrating and nearly impossible to get the thoughts of her out of her mind. 

Andrew pulled into the parking lot of the movie theatre and they went in, bought their tickets, Clarke insisting she pays for her own. Andrew didn't seem happy about it but let it go and bought them both some popcorn and drink to share, Clarke then insisting on two straws. 

Clarke didn't want to lead Andrew on, she didn't even know if she wanted this to be a date or not. Andrew was a nice guy but she was too caught up in sorting out her feelings for Lexa that she couldn't focus on whether or not she even had real feelings for Andrew.

They got to their seats and made awkward small talk and Clarke couldn't have been happier when the lights dimmed and the movie started rolling, and she tried to ignore the signature palm up hand in his thigh, hoping she'd probably reach to hold it. She didn't, she sat with her arms crossed for the whole movie, focusing on just the movie. Ignoring Andrew inching his leg closer to hers, which prompted Clarke to then cross her legs. 

Once the credits started rolling she stood up and they left to head back to the car, throwing away their trash. "Are you still hungry?" Andrew asked and Clarke shrugged.

"I could eat still." She mumbled and Andrew frowned. Clarke didn't want to drag this on but she would tell him when he dropped her off at home that this was going to be just a friendship. Andrew opened her door again and Clarke smiled politely before getting in, he ran around to the other side and they went on their way to the bar. It really was the best place for food even if it was a bar, partially the reason Clarke wanted to go. Their burgers were like heaven and she figured one day Guy Fietti would stop by and add it to his flavor town list. Once they got in they say down and a waitress came and took their drink orders, and Clarke went ahead and ordered her food already knowing what she wanted.

"Come here often?" Andrew asked, noticing she never looked at the menu.

"Yeah my dad used to take me here after games all the time." Clarke smiled softly.

"That's nice, he doesn't take you here anymore?" He asked and Clarke's smile dropped.

"No... He died in a car accident s few months ago." Clarke looked down and then felt a warmth on her hand. 

"I'm so sorry Clarke." Andrew said, and Clarke could tell he really meant it. Clarke withdrew her hand and smiled softly at him.

"Thanks." She muttered as the waitress came and dropped off their drinks. 

"So after games, you played sports?" He asked and Clarke nodded as she took a sip of her soda.

"Yeah I played tennis, volleyball, basketball, and ran track for a while." Clarke said looking back up at Andrew, whose eyes grew wide.

"That's a lot. Why'd you quit?" He put his hand back on the table, another gesture for her to hold it, which only made Clarke put her hands in her lap.

"I didn't really wanna keep it going after my dad died. Just wanted to focus on my family and working at the hospital." She mumbled, looking around the bar. There was always a lot of people there but tonight there seemed to be even more which made Clarke wonder what was happening. Suddenly she heard a pop of champagne behind her and they both looked to see. Clarke's heart stopped when she saw Anya with the bottle of champagne, pouring it into a few glasses. She quickly looked around hoping that she wouldn't see Lexa. When she saw no sign of her she let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. 

The waitress finally came over with their food and Clarke continued the awkward small talk with Andrew, not really knowing what to say or do. Once they finished Andrew stood up and held out his hand, making Clarke frown. "One dance?" He asked and Clarke smiled softly. She took his hand, not wanting to be rude and knowing she'd keep a good distance between them. He lead them over to the dance floor after laying enough money on the table for both their food, ignoring Clarke saying she wanted to pay for herself. They got to the dance floor and wrapped his arms around her waist and she put her arms on his shoulders, maintaining a distance like she wanted. However she got distracted by Anya behind Andrew, and then froze when she saw Lexa. Their eyes met and Clarke's heart stopped and before she could do anything she felt lips on hers. It took her a second to realize what was happening and pull away. Clarke looked back at Lexa, not understanding why she was so scared that Lexa saw someone kiss her. Clarke's heart hurt at seeing the pain in Lexa's eyes. Then anger flashed through Clarke, Lexa had no right to be jealous or anything about Clarke kissing someone else. Clarke snapped her focus back to Andrew who was looking concerned.

"I'm sorry I just. I need to go to the bathroom." Clarke mumbled before backing away and basically running to the bathroom. When she got in and walked to the sink and splashed some water over her face, trying to gather her thoughts and her emotions. She knew she didn't feel anything when Andrew kissed her, which only confirmed she couldn't be anything but his friend. Just as she was drying her face the bathroom door opened and Lexa stepped in. Clarke whirls around, not knowing what to do or say.

"Clarke." Lexa curtly says, anger and hurt clear in her eyes. So she is jealous, Clarke wonders to herself. Lexa steps aside of the door and motions for Clarke. "By all means go back to your thrilling date." Lexa mutters sarcastically and Clarke's anger soared. 

"It's not a date. Even if it was you don't have any right to judge it." Clarke spits back which makes Lexa snort.

"Do you kiss all your not dates then?" Lexa shoots back and Clarke glares at her.

"Well I kissed you didn't I?" And Clarke immediate regrets that when she sees Lexa immediately draw back like she had slapped her. Clarke takes a step forward, wanting to apologize but doesn't. "I've gotta go." Clarke mumbles and quickly leaves the bathroom, finding Andrew waiting outside for her.

"Are you okay?" He asks, and she definitely wasn't. 

"I'm fine. Can you take me home?" Andrew nods and goes to open her door for her again before running around and starting the car. The drive back home is quiet except for the music playing and Clarke is glad Andrew stopped his attempts at small talk. She didn't know how many times she could comment on how nice the weather was. There was only so many ways to put it was cool but just warm enough with the right amount of sunshine. When they finally pulled down Clarke's drive way, they got out and Clarke stood in front of Andrew, ready to break it to him that they were just going to be friends. But before she could say anything Andrew speaks first.

"This wasn't a date was it?" He asks and Clarke looks up with him and nods slightly. He sighs and takes a small step back and Clarke sighs too.

"I'm just not ready for anything right now, but I do want to be friends. You're a really nice guy." Clarke says, hoping he doesn't react badly.

"I understand, Clarke. You're amazing and if you are ever ready, will you consider it?" He asks and Clarke nods, knowing she probably wouldn't ever be ready for something with him. With that Andrew gives her a quick hug and heads off. Clarke takes a deep breath before walking into the house. Immediately after walking in there is a flash and Clarke sees her mom holding a camera.

"My baby back from her date! Was he a good kisser?" Clarke rolls her eyes and starts to head to her room. "Oh was it that bad?" Abby calls after her. "How many times did you have to talk about the weather?!" She hears her mom yell as she up the stairs which makes her laugh. 

"One too many." Clarke calls back and hears her mom laugh from downstairs. Clarke shakes her head and goes to her room, and plops down on her bed. Her mind instantly goes back to Lexa. To all the time they spent together, cuddling and talking about everything. She wondered if she would ever meet someone she could talk to as much as she could with Lexa. Clarke opened up to Lexa about everything, all her hopes and dreams, all her insecurities. Every thought she had, good or bad, Lexa heard and vice versa. Clarke knew everything about Lexa. Which made her wonder how much she still knew. It hurt when Lexa left, it scared her and Clarke never really recovered, and maybe it was because she never got closer. Maybe Mikey is right, maybe I do need to hear why Lexa left, Clarke thought to herself. Clarke sighed and looked her phone and saw it was nearly two in the morning. Her mom and Mikey were well asleep by now which made Clarke's decision easy. So she got up and put on warmer clothes before tiptoeing down the stairs and out the front door. 

Clarke knew she probably shouldn’t be sneaking out, but she had to see Lexa and she knew exactly where she’d be. Clarke walked out the door and up her drive-way and took the still too familiar route to the playground in the darkness of the late night. It was still late summer but at night there was a cold breeze that gave Clarke chills, so she hugged her sweater closer around her body, cursing the decision to still wear shorts. 

After a short walks she saw the the gate to the playground open, the full moon of the night lighting up her surroundings. Clarke pulled the gate open more and walked into the park and headed over to the trampoline. She saw a figure sit up, but wasn’t scared. She knew who it was, she would always know who it was. Clarke took a deep breathe and Lexa climbed off the trampoline and leaned against it. 

“Hi.” Clarke mumbled as she came and stood in front of the taller brunette, her heart pounding. 

“Surprised you aren’t still on your date.” Lexa muttered and shifted her feet. Clarke sighed and shook her head. 

“I told you he’s just a friend.” Clarke murmured, wanting to take another step closer to the girl but couldn’t. 

“Right and you always kiss friends.” Lexa shot back and Clarke glared at her, tired of having this same argument.

“I kissed you.” Clarke said back, her voice full of anger and hurt. Lexa’s head snapped up, eyes locking with Clarke, hurt very clear in her eyes even in the low light the moon gave them.

“We weren’t just friends, Clarke.” Lexa mumbled, hurt clear in her voice. Clarke shook her head at the older girl. 

“You didn’t stick around long enough for us to be anything but friends, Lexa.” Lexa breathed out loudly and pushed off from leaning on the trampoline, walking closer to Clarke. 

“Are you just going to keep using that against me, Clarke?” Lexa almost yelled at her, as she walked closer, making Clarke take a few steps back. “Yes I left, Clarke. Because it was what was best for me, I won’t apologize for that anymore. You’ve got no idea what was going on, and you won’t even give me a chance to explain.” That made Clarke stop dead in her tracks, as she glared at the brunette. 

“So fucking explain it then, Lexa. Explain why you had to leave, not say a damn word to me, and make me think you were dead in some trench over dosed on drugs.” Clarke now took a step closer to Lexa, anger pouring out of both of them.

“Because I did overdose, Clarke! I was stupid and reckless and I couldn’t handle my parents anymore. I found comfort in the worst of fucking places, and I took too much one night and woke up in the hospital. They pumped my stomach, and I swore to myself I’d get clean, but I had to stay away. I couldn’t come home. A nurse there helped me get into a group home to help me get clean, and when I turned 18 and had nothing in my system anymore for months so I joined the Army. I was in bootcamp for a few months then immediately was deployed.” Lexa said, talking quickly and Clarke shook her head in shock. 

“So you couldn’t even call? Just to tell me you were alive and okay? I wouldn’t have told anyone, I just needed to know you were okay, Lexa.” Clarke almost whispered. 

“I couldn’t call.” Lexa mumbled, looking down and the anger came back into Clarke.

“Why not Lexa?!” Clarke asked taking another step, now standing right in front of Lexa, their crossed arms almost touching, their bodies only centimeters apart. 

“Because if I heard your voice I would’ve come home.” Lexa whispered, locking eyes with Clarke, a single tear falling from her eyes. “If I heard your voice I would’ve broken and came back because I couldn’t bare not being with you. It hurt every fucking second, but I knew it was for the best. I couldn’t go home and be back with my step-dad. I couldn’t take his abuse anymore or the shit I turned to, to deal with it. I had to stay gone till I was strong enough to cope. And it tore me apart that I couldn’t get strong enough with you.” Tears were streaming down Lexa’s face but she wasn’t done and Clarke couldn’t stop listening to her now.

“I wanted nothing more than to come back and kiss you again, tell you that I had been in love with you from the day you crashed into my room when during my parents New Years Party. I couldn’t drag you down with me, Clarke. You had a beautiful family, sure it was broken and bent, but it was beautiful to me. You were doing okay, and I couldn’t be the one that pulled you apart. I couldn’t do that to you, and I know if I had heard your voice while I was gone I would’ve done the selfish thing and come home to you.” Clarke’s mouth dropped and she instantly wrapped her arms around the taller girls neck and pulled her into a tight hug. Lexa wrapped her arms just as tight around Clarke’s waist and hid her face in Clarke’s neck as the sobs slowly came out of her. “I wanted to call you every day I was away. I wanted to come here and have you in my arms again. I missed you every second.” Lexa’s voice broke several times as she cried. 

Clarke caressed her hair and held the girl tight in her arms, whispering in her ear. “It’s okay. You’re here now. I’m sorry I was being such a stubborn dick.” Lexa smiled into her neck and let out a soft, broken laugh. 

“You’ve always been stubborn.” Lexa mumbled and kissed Clarke’s neck, which sent shivers down Clarke’s back. “Are you cold?” Lexa pulled back and looked her in the eyes. Clarke shook her head.

“No.” Clarke whispered before leaning in and catching the brunettes lips with her own. Lexa sighed and leaned into the kiss, wrapping her arms around Clarke more. Clarke ran her fingers through Lexa’s hair, pulling them closer, deepening the kiss. It felt so right to her, to be there in Lexa’s arms, kissing her. 

Clarke sighed and pulled the girl even closer, kissing her with an urgency she’s never kissed anyone with before, needing more of her. Needing to know this wasn’t just a dream, needing to know that Lexa really was standing there in front of her, needing to know that when she opened her eyes Lexa wouldn’t run away again. Lexa pulled back and Clarke stared at her, worried and scared. Lexa cupped her cheek in her hand and smiled softly at her. 

“I want to take you on a date.” Lexa said, and Clarke smiled. “I don’t want to pick up where we left things. I want more than whatever it was we were doing before. I want to go see those stupid rom-com’s you love so much and make out in the back row, I want to take you hiking and show you the most beautiful things you’ll ever see. I want you to be with me… Just me.” Clarke couldn’t help the stupid grin on her face as she nodded and pulled Lexa back in for another searing kiss. This time it wasn’t urgent, but slow and tender. “Is that a yes?” Lexa mumbled into the kiss, making Clarke laugh.

“A thousand times yes.” Clarke smiled at the girl and Lexa let out a sigh of relief before pulling the blonde back in for another kiss. Lexa pulled back and grabbed Clarke’s hand, pulling her onto the trampoline where they both laid down. Clarke immediately cuddling into Lexa’s side and burying her face in her neck, breathing the girl in. Clarke hadn’t realized how much she had missed this, being with Lexa, holding her close. And that’s when she started crying. Letting in all the pain she’d been blocking out and Lexa just held her tight and whispered sweet nothings into her ear until Clarke fell asleep in the older girls arms.


End file.
